Once again, its late. Or, uh, early. Its probably too either late or early to do the whole I'm-going-to-predict-the-results-of-the-upcoming-baseball-season any justice, but I'm gonna force myself to do this. That way, at the end of the season, it will be documented that I don't know what I'm talking about.
A quick note: I'm going to throw these predictions up here with the minimalist of comments. At least that way, people won't know why I predicted the equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith died of natural causes. Also, not that anyone would actually do this, but if you did add up all the game totals you won't get equal amounts of wins and loses. I picked the teams records based on how good I think they are going into the season, and, like me in tenth grade trying to do a simple problem, it probably doesn't add up correctly. Anyway...
So, without further ado:
AL East
1. Red Sox, 97-65
-People got all upset when Manny Ramirez peed in the Green Monster. I think peeing is really funny though, so I'm all for it. In fact, I think Manny should pee on more things, like pigeons, fire hydrants, and Mel Gibson.
2. Yankees, 93-69
-Not that this is a sign or anything, but yesterday at Chili's, A-Rod opted out of his chicken fajitas.
3. Blue Jays, 89-73
-Who knew such a high payroll could buy such irrelevance.
4. Orioles, 72-90
-Orioles fans can only hope Peter Angelos buys something else to screw up.
5. Devil Rays, 70-92
-Proof that in order to be a factor in the division, yes, in fact, you probably do need to get some pitching at some point.
AL Central
1. Indians, 90-72
-Indians division winning hopes rest on CC Sabathia's ability to eat other teams.
2. White Sox, 88-74
-Best thing about Scott Podsednik: his hustle when grounding out
-Worst thing about Scott Podsednik: his grounding out when he hustles
3. Twins, 87-75
-Sidney Ponson is coming to town! Hide the women and the doughnuts!
4. Tigers, 86-76
-At present rate of increase, Tigers expect to win 147 games this year.
5. Royals, 66-96
-At present rate of increase, Royals expect to suck donkey nut hair.
AL West
1. A’s, 86-76
-Its very lucky that when Mr. and Mrs. Harden named their child "Richard" they decided to go with "Rich" instead of "Dick" because "Dick Harden" is just too damn funny.
2. Rangers, 84-78
-Can you pitch? If so, Rangers want to give you $100 Million dollars!
3. Angels, 83-81
-In order to get back at city of Anaheim for not releasing them from their naming rights, Angels plan to rename themselves Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Sucks
4. Mariners, 73-89
-This team is the equivalent of a blind retarded guy with one leg. At least they have a nice stadium.
NL East
1. Phillies, 91-71
-Phillies GM Pat Gillick very happy to get rid of Bobby Abreu. Now, does anyone know anyone who can get on base, hit for power and play right field?
2. Mets, 88-74
-News flash: Omar Minaya offers contract to entire Dominican Republic!
3. Braves, 81-81
-Braves still tired from all that winning
4. Marlins, 68-94
-Due to lack of funding Marlins will be unable to convert Joe Robbie Stadium from its football setup to its baseball one. As a result, Miguel Cabrera will now play "30 yard line."
5. Nationals, 58-104
-More News: Nats give Ugeth Urbina 15 year deal.
NL Central
1. Cubs, 87-75
-After spending over $300 Million this off-season, Cubs planning on charging their fans for toilet paper. "You've gotta draw the line somewhere," says GM Jim Hendry. "Whats next? Free catsup?"
2. Astros, 83-81
-I would love to visit the former Enron Field in Houston, but that would require me visiting Houston, so its not gonna happen.
3. Brewers, 83-81
-I can see, sometime in the future, the Brewers becoming a bit like the Cubs. Their fans will show up whether they win or lose to drink, watch Bernie Brewer fall down, and hit each other with sausages.
4. Cardinals, 79-83
-Cardinals are stupid. I hate them.
5. Reds, 77-85
-Bronso Arroyo will a) win 25 games, b) develop a gyro ball, and c) give himself a purple mohawk.
6. Pirates, 56-106
-This team is another blind retarded guy with a nice stadium. Unfortunately, they also have a severe drooling problem. And bad gas.
NL West
1. Diamondbacks, 92-70
-Listen, it really doesn't matter what this team does as long as they're called the "diamondbacks" which is really the stupidest name in the entire universe. Until they come up with something else (how bout 'pantsless turtles?') I will ignore them.
2. Padres, 90-72
-Now, the Fathers. Thats cool. Also, they have vegetarian hot dogs at their park. And they're good too. I had to eat six of them before I got sick.
3. Dodgers, 89-73
-True story: Last 4th of July I attended a Dodgers game. After the game they shot off fireworks (duh!), but one of them must have mis-fired or something because it hit someone's car head on and the car blew up.
4. Giants, 81-81
-Kinda of funny that Barry Bonds plays for the Giants, isn't it? If anyone doesn't get it, check out this picture and compare it to this one.
5. Rockies, 73-89
-Who's stupid idea was it to put a major league team on top of a mountain? Come on, seriously. Fess up.
AL Playoffs
East: Boston
Central: Cleveland
West: Oakland
Wild Card: New York
Boston beats Oakland, 3-1
Cleveland beats New York, 3-2
Boston beats Cleveland, 4-2
NL Playoffs
East: Philadelphia
Central: Chicago Cubs
West: Arizona
Wild Card: San Diego
Arizona beats Chicago Cubs, 3-2
San Diego beats Philadelphia, 3-1
San Diego beats Arizona, 4-3
World Series
Boston beats San Diego, 4-3
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